I Need to Know

I think it was the accusation of child abuse that hurt the most.

Sitting on the stand, listening to a stranger with a venomous grin try to interpret my life and my character to another stranger in a black robe was already threatening and disorienting, but this last jab went down a road I wasn't prepared for. To be fair he never used the words "child abuse" but it was clear where he was going with the questions about how, when, and "how hard" I may have touched my 9 year old son in years past. I think, in hindsight, that I'd have been fully justified in taking profound offense at such a suggestion, but I also think that's what he was hoping for. I have to wonder if such a question is asked fishing for anger that can be twisted away from justification and into a character profile. "We don't have any proof your honor, but the defendant's outburst is suggestive of the 'abusive type...'" But in the moment the question was so far from any recognizable reality that it only seemed odd, or at worst irritating. The real sting only came later when I thought about what the question implied, not about me, but about how far she might be willing to go.

For my story, thankfully, it didn't go any farther: some offensive questions that ultimately never went anywhere and in that regard I imagine I'm rather fortunate compared to a couple of good friends who were made to fight much harder to clear their names. But child abuse was only one of the charges leveled at me over the course of my divorce and it was part of a package of accusations that seem to be increasingly popular to include emotional abuse, manipulation, controlling behavior and narcissism. Of course none of those things are illegal and none of them produce (or require) evidence so innocence or guilt can be difficult to determine but that's not what was on my mind when I started to write some things down.

I don't know if I ever had a chance to prove my innocence to my wife. By the time I woke up and understood what was happening I suspect it was too late. Somehow or another, fair or unfair, she came to certain conclusions that had set like concrete. Once you believe somebody is your enemy then nothing they say is trustworthy. The veracity of a statement or the kindness of a gesture is irrelevant because even truth and consideration are seen as manipulation.

No, that's not why I wanted to start writing. I need to do this for my own peace of mind, my own self-examination. If the accusations, God forbid, are true then I surely want to know that about myself and act to change. I would seek that "moment of clarity" about such defects in my character. If, on the other hand, they are false then I need to know that too lest the shadows haunt me forever as inescapable and paralyzing self-doubt. In short, I need to know.

So yes, I think it was the accusation of child abuse that hurt the most, but it was only one accusation out of many and it was the experience and the pattern of being so vigorously accused that almost took me out.